Measure of Success

I know that this is a little of the topic but this is my blog and I do what I want. Today I began to think about how we measure ourselves and our level of success. When is enough enough? I feel like lately it has become less about the way that you make other people feel, the good deeds that you do, the effect you have on the world at large and more about other things. I feel that in some way we have to keep up. More is better. Bigger, better, faster, larger, thinner, prettier, smarter, more expensive.
Has life really come down to square footage and the number of degrees on your wall? Granted I fully believe in education... please do not get me wrong. But, somehow I feel that for all of the money I have shelled out in student loan payments I should at least consider the impact that I can make with all of that education. Cheese and rice, I have spent the sum total of 9 years in college and can ask that people call me Dr. should I not be encouraged by society to put that to good use instead of putting that towards parking something nice in my driveway?
I suppose what my rant really comes down to is the way that we see each other. Instantly we want to know what people drive, where they went to school, what degree they have and judge them on their outward appearance. I think as a whole we forget that people have a story. Often times that story is worth hearing. We are more than a resume or a facebook page. We can do more and be better. I know that their are exceptions to every rule. Hell, I live in a town full of people who have signed up to risk their lives for other people. That is inspiring. I just wish that the world as a whole was made of a little more give and a little less take. A little more laugh and a little less judge.

Another oldie but a goodie!

This post is a writing that I did a few years back as well... enjoy!

I suppose at this point I have become a deployment veteran... Three deployments in and you start to feel like there should be a ribbon for being a significant other. I started to feel this way the other day when I was interning at the USO and a Marine asked me if I myself was in the military and I began to reflect. I think it was because at times I feel like my life has become my Marine and his corps. I put so much into my life loving a Marine that sometimes I feel lost. During deployments I wait by my lap top or keep my phone within my sight at all times but it wasnt until last week that I really remembered why. Of course I always remember that I love my Marine with all my heart but last week through my internship I escorted a group of Marines during an honor guard ceremony as they took care of a deceased Marine who was passing through the airport on his way home to his final resting place. I felt such honor and pride as I walked with these Marines through the airport. I felt respect and sadness as I stood on the tarmack and watched them fold the flag that lay over their fallen brother. I felt connected as they returned to the terminal in tears as civilians clapped for them. It was then that I remembered that the reason that I have let my life become so devoted and tied to the Marine corps is because I simply can not help it.
I can not help who I have fallen in love with and I can not help but understand that his job is one that not everyone does because it is one that belongs to a hero. So I cling to the things that will bring me close to him while he is gone as I make it through another deployment. This is nothing that deserves a ribbon or medal as sometimes during times of frustration I think that it may. This is something that he deserves... that every Marine and service member deserves. Simply to have someone waiting for them if we are blessed enough to have them return home safely. After three deployments it is now no mystery why Semper Fi means so very much.

Approval

I am still pondering over the conversation that I had with my old high school friend regarding support and civilians and really we went into topics that went even deeper into ourselves and our past. One thing that we touched on was approval. I realized that I am a person that wants approval from those that are close to me and not so much in the sense that I want them to like my car or my house or my clothes. But, I do want them to be proud of me.
I wonder if my husband feels the same way? Does he need to know that anyone supports him? When he travels to a land where he knows that he may not be wanted, he is seen as a threat to those that live there, and he feels he has a job to do... does he need to know that someone is behind him or is he content enough in what he does and how he has been trained that he can sleep just fine knowing he has done well?
I know either way that he understands my support of him and my pride in him but he has never really asked for it it has always been implicit. I wonder is he secure or just brave or really does he just not talk about it. Is it all of the above?
This really isnt a conclusitory blog but just a stream of conciousness and really I guess a thought on the difference between my husband and I. I always needed to hear my mom say she was proud of me and it was so reassuring when she always followed through.

Part Deux - Coming home

A dear old friend (who is not old) pointed out a really great thing to me. She said it so kindly that in fact, I almost missed it. Understanding and compassion comes in all shapes and from many sources. I should not be jaded because there are those who do not understand but think that they do.
So... this is for you.
I have been jaded in the past because there are people in my life who said they would stand by me and have failed. But, as my mother has always said do not expect an apology from someone who isnt sorry. Those who have done me wrong are not sorry and so I must not hold their transgressions against those who are.
I need to be thankful. Thankful I am.
I have a group of new friends who have stood by me through thick and thin, a mother that is my strength, and old friends that have been with me through every step of this military life journey.
I hope that these friends know just how much I appreciate them. Without them I can not be me.
I love you...

Coming Home

This weekend I sat in my bed with one of my best friends and drank a couple few glasses of wine while we watched the show 'Coming Home' and shed some tears. The whole preface of the show is to highlight real life military famlies and their reunions with thier loved ones. The show was overwhleming and quite emotional as we watched the various servicemembers come home from war and surprise their loved ones with the homecomings of their dreams.
The whole show got me to thinking... does the rest of the country feel the way that I do when I watch this show. Do they understand what it feels like to wait for months on end for the person you care most about in the whole world to return home safely? My bet would be that they do not. But, is it even my place to expect that they should understand or even feel any empathy towards this life that I chose live. Granted one can not choose who they fall in love with but our life is a culmination of choices that lead us to our given path.
I think that my train of thought was partially inspired by the emotion I felt when I was told by a member of my family that, "believe it or not most people understand what you go through during your husband's deployment." My thought was... believe it or not most people do not understand.
There is an entire emotional cycle that one goes through each and every time a loved one deploys and forget about those spur of the moment deployments where we can not even expierence that full cycle of emotions and are left with a heavy heart and a half empty bed.
However, at the end of the day what really matters is that there are homecomings. They are filled with love, devotion, emotion and an array of feeling that maybe is better off left to those that have waited so many months for the return of those dusty boots. Perhaps it is better that others do not understand and these moments are left held close to the heart of a military family. These moments are sacred and we are so very priviledged to have them.